Neurodivergent Space

By: Seasoned mom. Seasoned mom is a wife and mother to three ASD/Autism family members. She also has a teaching degree and completed her student teaching in an all autistic preschool. 

It was early spring, and although it wasn’t the right season, I was pregnant and craving the freshest, juiciest peach. I sent my husband Myles, to the grocery store with what I thought were specific instructions: get a fresh peach. He comes home with a glass jar of peaches… and on the front it says “Freshly canned peaches.” 

I will never let him forget that grocery store trip, because it’s hilarious. But also because it was a time in our lives that I realized Myles needed a different communication style. 

For Myles, what he heard and what was said were not the same. What I said was, “Please buy a fresh peach.” And what he heard was “fresh” and “peach.” It didn’t occur to him to start in the produce aisle but in the canned aisle, I’m assuming because that is what we were feeding our oldest daughter, Sahara; the single serving fruit cups. 

So from now on, I add instructions on where to locate the item I want from the grocery store. Or if it’s a specific brand, I’ll add that to the item on the list I provide. Now, I know to say “I want a fresh peach from the produce section, they’re usually near the apples.” 

Now on to my girls! Sahara is 13 and Nadia is nine. Sahara has high functioning autism, like Myles. She too misunderstands communication. But the small difference between the two is I need to put an exact timeframe on what I ask of her. An example with Sahara would be just the other day. I handed her a trash bag while she was in her bedroom and said “Please pick up your trash before you play video games.” Sahara understood this as “I need to pick up trash, but I can do it whenever, as long as I am not playing video games.” And proceeds to find other things that distract her, like YouTube. For Sahara, she lacks the executive functioning to manage her time well. This leads to many miscommunications between the two of us quite a bit. To circumvent this now, I’ll say “Here’s a trash bag, get the trash picked up right now so you can go back to gaming.” The difference between me saying “before you go back to gaming” verses “right now” is where her communication differs. 

Lastly, our sweet Nadia. She has autism, but not ASD like Dad and Sister. She has more lower functioning areas that affect her daily. She’s very literal and takes everything seriously. She does not understand sarcasm in the slightest. But for Nadia, she understands better if I give her two clear choices or if I suggest we do something together. For example, saying “you need to get dressed or you’ll miss the bus” she needs more physical communication and more suggestive communication to complete the task, which is get dressed. I need to phrase it differently, like “Do you need help? How about these two dresses?” She needs me to show her two options, help her with suggestions like “this one is super soft” or “this one is a good one for PE day at school.” But she needs that for every single piece of clothing. And once we pick it, the physical help of the whole process of removing dirty clothes, redressing and placing dirty clothes in the basket. It’s not that she can’t dress herself, but it takes her forever and most of the time h th e clothes are on backwards or inside out. It’s just easier and faster if I’m physically cueing her.

Instead of saying “You’re not wearing that to school” because she feels that this is negative, angry or stern, I’ll say “I’m not sure that fancy dress will feel comfortable all day, do you want to feel it? Maybe we should pick another dress, one that looks cozy.” 

The phrase “You catch more bees with honey” is spot on for Nadia! Make it fun, make it sound like her idea, make her feel like she’s in charge, just be the stage setter for her routines. 

And that is how autism can affect communication differently for each individual!