Neurodivergent Space

By: K Donohue, a parent of a Child with ADHD

When my son was born, I swear he popped out and started verbally telling me about his experience. He has always wanted to make sure he was heard. He got excited, interrupted conversations, got distracted, never sat still, impulsive, and had no fear but was quick to anger when things didn’t go his way. All of this led to time outs, stern looks, and being reprimanded. These character traits also led him to speaking full sentences a little after his first birthday, riding a bike with no training wheels at 2, building an “office” complete with a bedroom for himself out of cardboard boxes at 4, talking himself into experiences like going up in a cherry picker at 4 and hitting the buttons on a tow truck helping load a broken down car at 5. 

During a challenging time for our family, I started taking my son to therapy to help control his anger and some other behaviors. His therapist was quick to suggest that we test him for ADHD. I wasn’t shocked nor was surprised. I went home with the information and started doing research and it didn’t take me long to realize that there was a big possibility that my son, 10 at the time, did indeed have ADHD. 

His father and I both filled out a questionnaire along with two of his teachers at school. His school questionnaires did not show that he had ADHD, but the other two showed clearly. Luckily, my son usually held everything together at school. This is a form of masking, he wasn’t being himself and was holding in his emotions throughout the day. In his early years at school, he would break down daily the moment the car left the school. It could be anything that set him off, from the wrong flavor snack to his backpack suddenly being the wrong color.  He had to decompress, which is understandable but very trying for everyone involved. To help with the tears from both of us at this point, we made daily trips to the park afterschool. He needed to climb, run, slide, and be a kid. While our trips to the park were extremely helpful and continued for years, we still needed some ways for him to ground himself in school.

Fidget toys come in all shapes, sizes, textures, objectives, and materials. I started with handmade crocheted fidgets that worked really well, but they were a little bulky in his pocket. That narrowed it down more, it needed to be pocket sized and silent. We settled on black onyx. You can purchase it on Amazon in different forms. We went for a basic polished rock, which worked great for fidgeting and the fact that black onyx represents strength and the ability to overcome challenges was a huge reminder to him that he is capable. I bought about 5 of these so we could have spares when they were inevitably lost.

Another product that we use are textured stickers. He has been able to put them in random places like his notebooks, his desk at home, and we even put on a small piece of hard plastic so he can carry it easily in his pocket. These small objects worked out so well since no one had any reason to know he had anything, let alone that he needed it. As a bonus, these tools are not a big distraction to classmates.

Besides actual objects, we came up with other tactics that could help in the moment. We found out that discussing things when we are both calm can help for future situations. My son had, still sometimes, an issue with arguing. He had trouble knowing when to stop before he got too worked up. We came up with a code word and he gave me permission to use it if I noticed that he was on the edge of going too far in his words or actions. I wouldn’t make a big show of it, just calmly say his name, then the word. It would clock almost immediately and he would say “okay” and stop. I was amazed. We used that tactic for about a year, it slowly changed to me just giving a look, and now he regulates this behavior pretty much on his own. It was rewarding for both of us to see him recognize an issue and learn from it. 

Overall, ADHD has many challenges, but it can be alright if you learn how your own brain works and what tweaks you need to make for yourself. Not everyone will benefit by having fidget toys and outside play, but these outlets give him a way to be calm so he can focus in situations that require his undivided attention. ADHD is like a roommate, it can be annoying and leave the cabinet doors open and put empty milk containers back in the refrigerator. But it can also be new exciting adventures and rewarding when you overcome those challenges. The best part for my son was learning that not all the challenges have to be fixed at once, because we are both learning along the way and I don’t mind closing that random cabinet door.