Neurodivergent Space

By: Franny. Franny is the parent of a 15 year old son with Level 1 autism and a 13 year old daughter with anxiety. She is also a special education counselor with over 18 years of experience working in public schools. 

It’s September, and for most of us with children, that means the beginning of another school year. For many families, the start of the school year brings excitement, relief, and busy schedules of soccer practice, play dates, and other activities. 

However, for parents of autistic and other neurodivergent children, the beginning of the school year can also be the cause of a lot of worry. Big transitions can be difficult for many children, but they can be particularly difficult for autistic children due to difficulties with novel environments, changes in routine, and meeting new people. This can then of course also cause a lot of stress for families. 

The new school year can also feel a bit lonely and quiet for many families of autistic children. While other children are getting invitations to birthday parties and hitting new developmental milestones like riding a bike or taking public transportation to school by themselves, autistic children might not always get to these milestones in the same timeframe as other children.  That’s of course okay, but it doesn’t make it any less difficult to watch sometimes. 

The new school year can be stressful for sure, but it’s also an opportunity to start new traditions and build new skills. The key is to manage your own parental expectations about the year, and to remember that your child has their own unique set of gifts and strengths, even if they don’t always exactly match with grade level expectations. 

I remember being nervous and sad that my son didn’t get invited to a lot of birthday parties or other social events once he hit second grade or so. This is when families at his school  generally stopped inviting the whole class to social events.  However, it never seemed to bother my son. I was the one who cared about it, not him.  He was much happier spending a Saturday afternoon at a museum with his parents or alone in his room reading. Large social gatherings stressed him out, and once he was back in school for the year, he needed the weekends to decompress. I try to remind myself that for him, spending more time alone at the beginning of the school year is important, and that’s what he needs to be happy. I eventually learned to manage my own desires, and take his lead. 

Below are some ideas and tips for starting this new school year off right and with the least amount of stress as possible. Hopefully at least some of them are helpful for you. 

1. Get to know your child’s new school-based team (and vice versa) 

If your child is autistic, they might have a special education team and receive school based services as part of an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) or a 504 plan. These plans provide a range of modifications and accommodations to students who have identified disabilities. As a result, in addition to being with a classroom teacher, they may receive services from a school counselor, occupational therapist, speech therapist, etc. All of these people make up your child’s school based team. Depending on the school structure, some of these providers may work with your child for multiple years, and some might be new to your child. 

Regardless, the more you get to know the team, and learn how to work together, generally the more successful the year will be for your child. Some teams will ask for a summer update from you, or ask you to fill out some sort of “get to know you” survey at the beginning of the year. If your child’s team hasn’t done this yet, you can also always offer up this information yourself. I have also found that the more open you are about your student with the school based team. Generally, I always feel that the more families and school communicate, the better it is for the student. 

Here is a free survey that can be used to get to know each other better: Get to Know You Survey

2. Connect any outside providers with your child’s school and sign consent for them to communicate with each other

Many autistic and neurodivergent children see providers or specialists outside of school. For example, when my son was younger, he went to weekly occupational therapy (OT) and we had an ABA therapist come to our house. 

At the beginning of every school year, I would sign a consent form so these outside providers could communicate with my son’s school as needed. By doing this, I allowed school staff to communicate with outside providers. I always found it helpful for them to communicate with each other so they could use some of the same language with my son, work on the same skills, and generally share information with each other so they could work together to best support my son. 

3. Encourage short play dates with peers (new and old)

At the beginning of a new school year, your child will most likely be in a class with at least some new peers. In order to help strengthen these new relationships, it can be helpful to set up some playdates or other social connections for your child outside of school. 

For autistic children, it’s generally best to keep these early get togethers “short and sweet. ” That way, it reduces the likelihood of your child getting overwhelmed and increases the chances of the experience to remain positive for all the children. In my work as a school counselor, I often recommend setting up these first get to know you playdates at a neutral but familiar spot like a local park or a favorite ice cream shop. Not only will this lessen the chance of any potential jealousy or territorial issues that sometimes come up at home play dates, it will also allow for a quick exit if you need to leave because your child gets overwhelmed. 

It’s also helpful to have set up a specific activity with a finite start and end. For example, maybe you have a playdate at your house, but the plan is to make cookies, or engage in an arts and crafts project, and then the playdate is done. Having a specific activity planned can help limit unstructured time that can often be stressful for children who prefer to be alone or have difficulty managing social expectations. Having a set start and finish time also helps limit extended unstructured time. 

Parents Magazine has a nice article that outlines fun and low cost playdate ideas. See it here. 

It’s also important to keep up those positive connections with long term friends. Autistic children often need support connecting with friends who no longer are in their classroom because it’s difficult for them to maintain social relationships with peers that they don’t see every day due to a tendency toward black and white thinking. For example, when my son was no longer in the same class as a friend that he greatly enjoyed when they had the same teacher, he needed support from both me and the school counselor to continue to outreach to that student at recess and afterschool. 

4. Look for local and online support 

“It takes a village to raise a child,” or so goes the well known African proverb. Finding a village can often be a bit more difficult for parents of autistic children. However, it is just as important if not more important for families of autistic and other neurodiverse children to find that village. 

Many school districts have a Special Education Parent Advisory Council (SEPAC) or similar. In the state of Massachusetts, where I am based, all school districts are required to establish a SEPAC. They are often a great resource for families, helping with everything from special education law to setting up social gatherings. 

Getting involved at the beginning of the school year can be particularly helpful, especially if your child is entering into a new school or has just recently started receiving special education services in the district. 

Facebook and other social media platforms can definitely be annoying, but joining specialized social media groups about local resources near you can help keep you informed about activities and resources. For example,there might be an adaptive sport clinic offered in a nearby town that sounds interesting, or you might connect with others who have experienced the same difficulties with a particular school issue and have good advice about how to handle it. 

Hope these tips help to make the transition to school a bit less stressful. Wishing you and your child a happy and healthy beginning of the school year!