Neurodivergent Space

By: Franny. Franny is the parent of a 15 year old son with Level 1 autism. She’s also a special education counselor with over 18 years of experience working in public schools. 

Keywords: Lagging Skills, Homework, PDA, Autistic, Collaborative Problem Solving, School

We all know that parenting is tough, but it can be even more difficult for the parents of neurodiverse children. Traditional parenting strategies and tricks such as sticker charts, time outs, and punishment often don’t work for our kids. 

These types of strategies tend to work for neurotypical children because they already have the inherent self regulation skills to manage themselves and do so. For neurotypical children, many self regulation skills are often just inherently learned by observation, a desire to please, and an innate understanding of social cues. 

Conventional discipline strategies often don’t work with neurodivergent children because of what is often referred to as “lagging skills.” The well known psychologist, Dr. Ross Greene, helped first coin the term. Currently, the  Massachusetts General Hospital (MGH) program Think:Kids, uses the term “lagging skills” when referring to children’s ability to engage in the world. Dr. Stuart Ablon heads up the project, and he believes that all children want to succeed and do well. They only don’t because they don’t yet have the specific skills to do so. 

“At Think:Kids we recognize that kids with challenging behavior don’t lack the will to behave well. They lack the skills to behave well.” 

You may have also started to hear about something called Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA). Still somewhat unknown in the United States because it is not recognized by the American Psychiatric Association (APA), it is more acknowledged in the United Kingdom. Most often associated with autistic people, those with PDA often resist doing things or following requests, even if they have the skills to do so. 

For example, kids with PDA may refuse to do chores, acknowledge others, complete their homework, shower, etc. For those with PDA, the “ask” is the trigger. While researchers are still trying to understand all the nuances of PDA, the current thinking is that it’s often due to a difficulty with flexible thinking and social cues. 

It’s often very difficult for parents of children with lagging skills to get them to complete homework, get out the door in time for school in the morning, or not get in trouble at school. It can also make school in general quite tense and worrying. This can then of course also make home life difficult. 

For better or for worse, a child attending a traditional public school is generally expected to have the skills to manage their emotions, follow the teacher’s directions, and complete their schoolwork on time. When your child is unable to do so due to some lagging skills,  it can make the school experience very stressful for families. 

So how do we help children with lagging skills? Especially those skills that are required in the traditional school setting? While it may not always be easy, there are ways to address these issues. 

1. Identify the specific lagging skills 

When identifying a lagging skill, it’s important to be as specific as possible. For example, identifying a lagging skill as “not completing homework on time” is too general. That won’t give you enough information to identify and teach the specific lagging skill. Instead, you might have to really break down what happens when the child tries to start their homework. Do they have difficulty gathering their materials? Do they need support and skillbuilding around starting the work? Do they get stuck on a specific problem and have difficulty moving on? 

There are also many checklists you can find online to help determine the specific lagging skill. Dr. Ross Greene’s Assessment of Skills and Unsolved Problems (ALSUP) checklist can be found here. 

Both Dr. Ross Greene and Think:Kids  strongly recommend bringing the child into the conversation. Their point is that if you get the child’s buy-in, you will be much more likely to see success.

Once you identify the specific lagging skill you want to work on (ideally with your child), talk about why you both think it’s important to address. For example, if the lagging skill seems to be around gathering and organizing materials so the child can do their homework, you can talk about how stressful it seems to be for the family, and that it’s hard for you to see your child so stressed out and it’s hard for you to know how to help. Ask your child if they agree with you or not. Be open to listening to their point of view and taking in their ideas. 

Then together, come up with a solution. Maybe it’s making a visual checklist, allowing the child to take a photo of the homework board at school and texting it to you, maybe it’s creating a homework space in the living room. The key point is that you and your child are both agreeing to come up with a possible solution together. 

2) Build relationships

Getting the buy-in of your child is just the start of building relationships. If your child is having difficulty at school, it will also be important to build relationships with school staff. Let them know about any difficulties you are having at home. 

For example, if your child is having difficulty with homework, let the teacher know. Bring in any special education staff as needed. They might be able to give you some suggestions on how to make things easier at home. 

Typical accommodations might be limiting homework to 20 minutes a day regardless if the student finishes in that time or not, reducing the number of assignments, or extra time. Teachers generally want to work with families, and if you let them know what’s going on at home, they will probably want to help. Bring in any outside supports you have as well. It’s often helpful for the teacher or school counselor to speak with outside therapists. Use the team you have to support your child. 

3) Increase flexible thinking skills

Flexible thinking (or seeing the gray between the black and white), can be very difficult for autistic people. This difficulty can negatively affect social relationships, executive functioning, and ability to follow a classroom culture (sometimes called the group plan). Helping a child build up their flexible thinking skills can positively influence a range of other lagging skills. 

There are many flexible thinking programs available for purchase and use. Your child may already be exposed to some of them at school. Popular programs include Social Thinking, Unstuck, and Zones of Regulation are just a few. 

Social Thinking and Zones of Regulation are most often used in the school setting, and often used together. Social Thinking was originally created by a speech pathologist, while the Zones of Regulation program was created by a school based occupational therapist. 

The Social Thinking program offers a range of support and curriculum on their website. A few are free, but many do need to be purchased. Regardless, all the curricula are designed to help the user better understand how to navigate the social world and regulate themselves within it. Some of the most popular programs are Super Flex (a superhero themed program that helps students better understand and observe the world around them), and You are a Social Detective (a program that helps students learn how to observe “hidden” social cues and rules by pretending to be a detective). 

Zones of Regulation helps students better understand the connection between their emotions and their energy levels. Students are supported as they learn to identify different zones (blue–low energy, green–the right amount of energy for the situation, yellow–a bit too much energy, red–overwhelming energy). Students are taught that no zone is right or wrong, but that there are ways that they can learn how to identify their feelings and use tools such as deep breathing, positive self talk, etc. to get to a more regulated zone. 

If you don’t want to use a program at home, there are lots of other things you can do outside of school to build up flexible thinking skills. 

Model Flexible Thinking

One of the easiest and yet most important things you can do is modeling your own flexible thinking skills and validating emotions. If you are disappointed about an unexpected change in your plans, let your child know that, and verbalize your own disappointment. Model your own strategies that help you. 

The next time an unexpected change happens to your child, help them identify and acknowledge the disappointment. Let them know it’s okay, and that there are strategies they can use. For example, if a playdate gets unexpectedly canceled and your child is upset, help them identify the emotion they are feeling (sad, disappointed, angry, etc.) and then help them identify what they can do to help manage that emotion. Maybe you can pick a day to reschedule the playdate, do a different activity with your child, or facetime with a grandparent. It’s also a great time to model strategies like deep breathing and positive self talk. “I know it’s disappointing that the playdate was canceled, but we can find other things to do today. We can also pick another day to try again.” 

Create Supported Opportunities to Demonstrate Flexible Thinking

Setting up situations where your child can practice being flexible can help them develop the skill. For example, you might purposely change up a planned activity or suggest that you walk a different way home than you usually do. It’s also fine to let your child know that you are purposely setting up these changes to build their flexible thinking skills. However, it’s important to make sure that the change is not too big and unexpected, and that you have the time and bandwidth to manage the pushback you might get from your child. Otherwise, it might backfire on you. 

Play With Words and Toys Imaginatively

Encouraging free form play such as building with cardboard boxes, legos (not the sets), and other materials can help children build up their ability to shift their focus and think creatively. Playing word games and changing up traditional stories such as nursery rhymes and favorite picture books can also help children build their flexibility tolerance. 

Of course, none of the above suggestions are easy, and they will all take time, work, and consistent positive reinforcement.  And as soon as you build up one lagging skill, there will probably be another one right behind it waiting for you and your child to work on together. But working together, and seeking support from your child’s school, just might help you and your child feel better about each other and the school experience as a whole.