Neurodivergent Space

By Sam_V, 24 year old neurodivergent writer. 

Transitioning to adulthood and living independently has been challenging for me as a neurodivergent adult; in fact, I didn’t learn that I was on the spectrum until I moved out of my parents’ house. I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until the age of twenty-one and didn’t start suspecting autism until twenty-two when I started learning more about it.

Growing up, I flew under the radar because I masked. I kept traits like my sensory issues, difficulty maintaining attention and stimming hidden. I tried to learn the appropriate amount of eye contact and facial expressions regardless of how unsure I felt, and I made an extra effort to take an interest in the passions of others to better connect with them. I didn’t realize that I was masking at the time, but it eventually became clear that I didn’t feel I could be all the different parts of me in public. The parts that stim and have special interests or the parts that don’t react visibly when others are talking.

One of my younger sisters was diagnosed with ADHD at age eight and with autism at fifteen. My other sister was diagnosed similarly at ages eight and ten. Because my sisters and I presented much differently, neither I nor my parents knew that I was neurodivergent until early adulthood. Adjusting to adulthood has been difficult, but along the way, I’ve found a few crucial steps to caring for myself as a neurodivergent adult, which I’ll share below.

Identifying My Struggles

Some of the things that helped me identify my autism included having conversations with other neurodivergent people and reading about the stories and experiences of others to compare them to my own. I found myself researching how neurodivergent brains worked differently than neurotypical ones to help me understand why I was feeling and functioning the way I did. I found that looking for studies on women with autism especially helped me see myself in the research. Learning about the criteria in the current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR) and connecting my experiences and traits was another great tool.

Many of the struggles I faced growing up were social because I had difficulty connecting to my peers and keeping up with their expectations. Some of these included how to act in specific situations, how much I should contribute to conversations, how often I should be able to socialize, and being able to put my feelings into words. I also moved a lot with a parent in the military, so I had to uproot and start over countless times. Growing up, I knew this was hard for any child, but I didn’t understand why I struggled to make and keep friends and adjust to new environments and schedules. Now, looking back, it makes sense.

Reflecting on my childhood struggles was important for me because it helped me realize that many of my current struggles are similar and has allowed me to find ways to support myself better.

Creating Routines

Life often feels overwhelming and leaves me on edge because my brain doesn’t know what is coming next or how to get through my list of tasks. Creating routines or schedules for myself has aided me in taking control of my day and my time. Creating these routines will look different for everyone based on their needs and responsibilities. One area of my life that I rely on routines for is chores and keeping my apartment clean. Because it is so easy to let dishes pile up, to allow the laundry basket to overflow and the fridge to become empty, I like to schedule specific tasks. Some examples of this include placing dirty dishes in the dishwasher every night and unloading them every morning. Others include meal planning and grocery shopping every Monday, doing laundry once a week, and cleaning the bathroom on Saturdays.

Another area of my life that I manage with routines is my daily life. Because I currently work from home, my schedule is flexible, but I recommend creating routines that fit your lifestyle. I base my daily routines around mornings, afternoons, evenings, and nights, each time block having its own routine. I dedicate certain hours to specific tasks, like working, cleaning, and downtime. These routines let me know what to expect and that everything necessary will be accomplished.

Scheduling Downtime

Just as scheduling working hours and weekly chores is essential, I must schedule downtime. Over the years of learning how my brain and body function, I’ve discovered that I require more time to rest than my neurotypical peers. My mind and body quickly become overwhelmed and exhausted because of factors like masking and sensory overload. Because of this, I like to dedicate a certain amount of my time to activities that let me rest and relax.

These activities include taking naps or lying down, even when I cannot sleep, reading a book, drawing, painting, engaging with a special interest, or watching a television show. These are a few of my favorite things, but what relaxes you may look entirely different. The important thing is to allow yourself to rest or risk exhaustion or burnout.

While taking time for yourself is essential, maintaining healthy relationships with family and friends can be challenging. Being honest and communicating my needs has helped me preserve my relationships. This way, others know I value their friendship and understand that when I can’t spend time with them, it isn’t because I don’t want to but because my well-being must come first.

Going at Your Own Pace

In a world that prioritizes work and praises hustle culture, it can be difficult to keep up. After college, I felt rushed to find a job and launch a lifelong career. Even during college, I felt like I needed to have everything figured out, plan for the future, maintain my social life, keep my grades up, and maximize the college experience. By the time I reached my last semester, I was so burnt out that I didn’t even want to celebrate graduation. I just wanted to stay home for months and recover.

Regardless of what stage of life you’re in, comparative mindsets will always be there, pushing you to do more and be more. One of the most freeing realizations I’ve made in my journey so far is that you don’t need to keep up with everyone else’s career, goals, and expectations. Instead, focus on where you are and what you’re working towards, and listen to the signals your body is sending you. Learning your boundaries and how to care for yourself will help you feel best and allow you to take the next steps on your path.

Doing Research

When I’m looking for advice, I find it helpful to seek out other autistic people who have been in my situation or have insight into my struggles. Because I don’t know many other autistic people, I like to search online communities and resources for suggestions on topics like ‘recommended jobs for autistic people’ or ‘recipes for people with texture sensitivities’ and so on. Finding others with similar experiences reminds me that I’m not alone and is a great way to find guidance.

When looking for research on autism, I recommend choosing a particular topic or aspect and searching Google Scholar for academic journals, articles, or books. Remember that research findings change over time, and try to find recent studies or older studies referenced by newer ones that have held up through time.

Everyone has different support needs, life goals, and responsibilities, so it’s okay if your life looks completely different from your friends or the people you follow online. At the end of the day, shaping your life around your needs and taking care of yourself will help you live a fulfilling life. I recommend looking at your life, goals, and struggles and figuring out a few different ways you can actively help yourself daily to get where you want to go. Remember that your needs and your life are unique and valid, and take things one step at a time.